Defining Marketing, PR, Advertising And More


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing


2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you, says: "He's very rich. Marry him."
- That's Publicity (Free)


3. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. You pay one of your friends to go up to her and say: "He's very rich. Marry him."
- That's Advertising (Paid)


4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call her and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
- That's Telemarketing


5. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door of the car for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride home and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you Marry me?"
- That's Public Relations


6. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Will you Marry me?"
- That’s Brand Recognition


7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That’s Customer Feedback


8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And then she introduces you to her husband.
- That’s Demand and Supply Gap


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes over and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you Marry me?" and she goes with him.
- That’s Competition eating into your Market Share


10. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!", your wife arrives.
- That’s Restriction for entering New Markets





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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Source Credits

Original Answer: To get to the other side.


Isaac Newton: The duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.


Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.


Rene Descartes: Since the chicken does not really exist, it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.


Pete Rose: I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it.


Gandhi: All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.


Colin Powell: This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.


Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.


Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed Al-Sahaf (M.S.S.): There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.


Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


David Hume: Out of custom and habit.


Epicurus: For fun.


Ronald Regan: I forgot.


Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.


Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.


Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.


Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.


Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


Salvador Dali: The Fish.


The Sphinx: You tell me.


Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Poultry kind.


Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


George Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.


Al Gore: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.


Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.


Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!


Ernest Hemingway: To die. Alone. In the rain.


Martin Luther King Junior: It had a dream! I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road! Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us!


Jerry Seinfield: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"


John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.


Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.


Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


Voltaire: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.


Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe?


Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?


Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.


Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.


Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.


Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.


Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"


The Pope: That is only for God to know.


Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.


M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.


George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.


Plato: For the greater good.


Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.


O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.


Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) Colonel Sanders: I missed one?


Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.


Robert Frost: To reach the sidewalk less traveled by.


Darth Vader: It could not resist the power of the Dark Side.


Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Chicken?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Chicken.


Incredible Hulk: HULK SMASH PUNY CHICKEN!


Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?


Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?


Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?


COBOL Programmer:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING


Zeno Of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.


Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer!


Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.


H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.


Manuel: Is not a chicken. Is Siberian hamster.


Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.


Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?


Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.


Carl Rodgers: Why do YOU think the chicken crossed the road?


Johnny Tillotson: Chickens crossing the road are Poultry In Motion.


Mr. Scotty: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!


Anderson Cooper (CNN): We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.


Oprah Winfrey: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.


J. R. R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus; the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.


Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!


Douglas Adams: The answer is... 42.





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Food In Language

When was the last time you said somebody didn’t know beans about something, or described a fog as being as thick as pea soup, or called a political speech a lot of applesauce?

We really take the cake when it comes to using foods in our everyday figures of speech. When things go right, they are in apple pie order, and life is a bowl of cherries.

When things go wrong, it’s a fine kettle of fish, or a pretty pickle.

If a man is clumsy, he’s butterfingered. If he’s cowardly, he’s chicken livered. If he’s poised, he’s cool as a cucumber. If he’s bald, he’s an egghead. If he talks too much, he spills the beans. If he doesn’t talk, he clams up.

Moreover, he doesn’t earn money, he earns dough or brings home the bacon. And if he’s working for peanuts, his wife may egg him on to butter up the boss.

You may think you deserve an egg in your beer, but if you’re not worth your salt, you may wind up eating humble pie …… and that would be getting your just desserts.

And now, just to ice the cake, I want to say that you may take most claims with a grain of salt.





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Heaven's Grocery Store

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago
I came upon a sign that read "Heaven’s Grocery Store".

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide.
And when I came to myself I was standing inside.

I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said “My child shop with care."

Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more.

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.

I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course, I would need some of that too.

I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost, It was all over the place.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.

My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.

Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.

As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.

Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.

Then I said to the angel "How much do I owe?"
He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."

Again I asked "Really now, how much do I owe?"
"My child " he said,
"God paid your bill a long, long time ago."





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The Carrot, The Egg & The Coffee Bean

Lesson: Overcoming Adversity

Source Credits

A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

The daughter waited impatiently, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in another bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a mug.

Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

She humbly asked. "What does it mean Father?"

He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?

Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"


*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*


How about you my friend? Are you the carrot that seems hard, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?

Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? Were you a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a divorce, or a layoff, you have become hardened and stiff. Your shell looks the same, but are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and heart?

Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean changes the hot water, the thing that is bringing the pain, to its peak flavor when it reaches 212 degrees Fahrenheit. When the water gets the hottest, it just tastes better.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and make things better around you.

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?





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Did Jesus Use A Modem?

Did Jesus use a modem at the sermon on the mount?
Did He ever try a broadcast fax to send His message out?
Did the disciples carry cell phones as they went about their route?
Did Jesus use a modem at the sermon on the mount?

Did St Paul use a laptop with lots of RAM and ROM?
Were his letters posted on a Bulletin Board at Paul.Rome.com?
Did the man from Macedonia send an E-mail saying "Come." ?
Did St Paul use a laptop with lots of RAM and ROM?

Did Moses use a Joystick at the parting of the Sea?
Or did he use GPS to show him where to be?
Did God write the law on tablets or are they really on CD?
Did Moses use a Joystick at the parting of the Sea?

Did Jesus really die for us one day upon a tree?
Or was it a hologram, or technical wizardry?
Can you download the Live Action Video Clip to play on your PC?
Did Jesus really die for us one day upon a tree?

Have the wonders of this modern age made you question what is true?
How a simple man, in a simple time, could offer life anew?
How a sinless life, a cruel death, then a glorious life again,
Could offer more to a desperate world than all the inventions of man?

If in your life, the voice of God is something hard to hear...
With other voices calling, If God doesn’t seem too clear,
Then set aside your laptop, modem and all your fancy gear,
And open your Bible, open your heart, and let God draw near.





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Just Checkin' In

A minister passing through his church in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray,
Just then the back door opened, a man came down the aisle,
The minister frowned as he saw the man hadn’t shaved in quite awhile.

His shirt was kinda shabby and his coat was worn and frayed.
The man knelt, he bowed his head, then rose and walked away
In the days that followed, each noon came this chap,
Each time he knelt for just a moment, a lunch box in his lap.

Well, the minister’s suspicions grew, with robbery a main fear,
He decided to stop the man and ask him, "Watcha’ doin’ here?"
The old man, he worked down the road; lunch was half an hour.
Lunchtime was his prayer time, for finding strength and power.

"I stay only moments, see, ‘cause the factory’s so far away;
As I kneel here talkin’ to the Lord, this is kinda’ what I say:
"I just came again to tell you, Lord, how happy I have been,
Since we found each other’s friendship and you took away my sin.
I don’t know how much of how to pray, But I think about you every day.
So Jesus, this is Jim, just checkin’ in." "

The minister feeling foolish, told Jim that was fine.
He told the man he was welcome to come and pray just anytime.
"Time to go", Jim smiled, said "Thanks". He hurried out the door.
The minister knelt at the altar, he’d never done it before.

His heart melted, warmed with love, met with Jesus there.
As the tears flowed, in his heart, he repeated old Jim’s prayer:
"I just came again to tell you, Lord, how happy I have been,
Since we found each other’s friendship and you took away my sin.
I don’t know how much of how to pray, But I think about you every day.
So Jesus, this is me, just checkin’ in." "

Past noon one day, the minister noticed that old Jim hadn’t come.
As more days passed without Jim, he began to worry some.
At the factory, he asked about him, learning he was ill.
The hospital staff was worried, but he’d given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them, brought changes in the ward.
His smiles, a joy contagious. Changed people, his reward.
The head nurse couldn’t understand why Jim was so glad,
When no flowers, calls or cards came, not a visitor he had.

The minister stayed by his bed, he voiced the nurse’s concern:
No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn.
Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up, and with a smile said,

"The nurse is wrong, she couldn’t know, that all the while
Everyday at noon He’s here, a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand, leans over and says to me:

'I just came again to tell you, Jim, how happy I have been,
Since we found this friendship and I took away your sin.
I always love to hear you pray, I think about you every day.
And so Jim, this is Jesus, just checkin’ in.' ".





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The Perfect Employee

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.





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Family Problems?

Source Credits

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation;

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.

This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child,
whose stepsister is my father's wife,
I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt,
my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

And you think you have family problems!"





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